Destroying the Youth in America
Now that I’m a quarter of a century old I can talk about the youth in America and how it’s not like the good ‘ol days anymore. Here are 5 things that I truly believe are destroying the youth we’re so desperately trying to get prepared to run the most powerful nation in the world.
1. Smoke Free Bars
Is this really necessary? You can probably talk me into smoke-free restaurants and elevators but just leave the drinking establishments out of this. ::cough:: thanks California ::cough:: Too many of my friends recite the same mantra we have all heard: “I just hate going to a bar and reeking of smoke.” Here’s an idea: drink at home. It’s a bar which since the dawn of man has been a place of dubious, sometimes lewd and generally fun times. One of those is smoking. I’m not even a smoker. In fact, I’ve never even had the thought of picking up a cigarette and lighting it. Smoking just isn’t my thing but that doesn’t mean that it’s a wise idea to ban it from bars. Grow up, let your balls drop and do a load of laundry when you’re hung over the next morning. It’ll all be fine, you’ll see.
2. Twitter
Yes, I use Twitter but I still believe it’s fundamental to the destruction of our future leaders. That being said, I only post (at most) a few times per week. In reality, it’s probably closer to a few times per month. Are you really that interesting that you feel the need to notify the world that you got crabs from that suspect hooker the night before? While it’s funny, most of us don’t need to know unless we’re planning on picking up a hooker that evening.
Okay, so there are some exceptions to this blanket statement. People out there like Justin seem to always have something hilarious to say and thanks to Anthony I find it easy to keep up with the latest geek news by glancing at his feed. My point: if you’re going to use Twitter then at least make it useful or funny. If you can’t do either then save the world and go plant a tree or something.
3. Cyclists
I need to make something very clear: there’s a huge difference between road cyclists and mountain bikers. This rant is directed specifically at road cyclists. Let me tell you how much I enjoy some jerk in spandex holding up traffic. To you cyclists out there, why do you insist on riding directly on top of the white line on the road? They paved a nice wide shoulder for you to ride in so why does half of your body insist on perverting my driving lane? I have no problem scaring the hell out of you as I zoom by but unfortunately the majority of drivers aren’t confident enough in their abilities. Here’s an idea: you use your lane and I’ll use mine.
4. The Organic Movement
As far as I can tell, our parents all seem relatively fine. I can assure you that growing up they were never presented with organic this and organic that. In fact, if they were they would have been smart enough not to pay double the price for a product half the size. This organic trend marketing scheme really needs to end soon.
I’m pointing a finger here so pay attention. To every one of you that purchase organic produce: you’re fucking up the economy. Stop it. There is an entire generation of chemists that you are screwing over. These fine men and women spent their entire careers making chemicals that kill pests, don’t kill humans and make produce grow faster and to mind-blowing new sizes. Every time you purchase an apple from Whole Foods you’re taking away their lifetime achievements. Shame on you.
5. Animal Rights (I’m talking to you, PETA)
I’m not advocating that anyone out there ever abuse domestic pets or animals in nature. If you do, I’m happy to break your kneecaps into pieces cause that’s just a douche-bag move on your part. However, livestock was created for the entire purpose of being fattened, slaughtered and grilled. It’s the cycle of life. If cows were smart enough (and had opposable thumbs) I bet that they would be having human for dinner tonight. You may not eat anything that casts a shadow but I don’t eat anything that doesn’t scream. After the first bite, who really cares how it died? You’re just glad it did.
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Patiently waiting for my coffee cup…