Divorce Agreement: Time to Go Our Separate Ways
Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists
and Obama supporters, et al:
We have stuck together since the late 1950′s for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a
divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.
Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let’s just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.
Here is a model separation agreement:
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.
We don’t like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we’ll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. We’ll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O’Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them.
We’ll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens. We’ll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO’s and rednecks. We’ll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood.
You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we’ll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we’ll help provide them security.
We’ll keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N. but we will no longer be paying the bill.
We’ll keep the SUV’s, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.
You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We’ll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We’ll keep “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” and “The National Anthem.” I’m sure you’ll be happy to substitute “Imagine”, “I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing”, “Kum Ba Ya” or “We Are the World”.
We’ll practice trickle down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.
Since it often so offends you, we’ll keep our history, our name and our flag.
Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American
P. S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbara Streisand, & Jane Fonda with you.
P. S. S. And you won’t have to press 1 for English when you call our country.
Disclaimer: I did not write this but I do agree with the intent behind the sarcasm. Take the content of this article with a grain of salt but understand that I stand behind every word posted here on this blog.
3 Comments
Of course I can take it with a grain of salt, but remember it would be more than easy to right the inverse of this entire diatribe, professing all the numerous benefits for America that have been brought about by the left in the fact of all the crazy fanaticism from the extreme factions of the right.
I have no problem at all admitting to be a moderate-left leaning American (I do actually, more often than not, support capitalism and “big business”) – and am well aware that this is a moderate-right country (which is why I’m continually puzzled why so many conservative commentators and extremists make it sound as if we’re only a stone’s throw away from Stalinist Russia). But can we at least agree, as in the case of the majority of things, the real solution does indeed lie somewhere in the middle?
Of course, the truth is somewhere in the middle. I, however, believe that we can only see that middle ground by looking at both the left and the right extremist views. There’s actually a fair number of accurate points in both extremist views but the proposed solutions are far from fair on both sides.
I think so many conservative commentators make it sound as if we’re heading towards Stalinist Russia because so many liberal commentators make it sound as if we’re heading towards nuclear meltdown and medieval rule. As you mentioned, the reality of the situation is somewhere in the middle.
DUDE! GOD BLESS AMERICA! And screw the bleeding heart liberal Democrats who can’t manage to take responsibility for their own actions and blame everything on everyone else. Have no spine and want this to be the next third world country. Love that letter.