Walden Ponder

Why Hallmark Life Lessons Amount to Nothing

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We’ve all been on the receiving end of those emails. They contain some sappy story and for the most part it does no harm to circulate. Sure, you waste 7 minutes of everyone’s life when they read it but it makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. How often do you actually read into those cheesy life lessons though? Probably not often enough. That’s what you have me for.

Let’s take a look at some of those “life changing” sentiments.

I’ve learned that, no matter what happens, how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
If you believe that just because you’re living in a new calendar day that your life will be better then you’re¬†delirious. Your life is what you make of it, nothing else. See, the notable part of my point is that you have to actually do something to make something happen, not just wait until the next day. I believe that Mr. Einstein said it best with his theory of relativity.

I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles four things: a rainy day, the elderly, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
Judging a person based on these is essentially worthless. These items have very little meaning in the real world and to place value in them seems absurd.
Rainy Day: If you let a day a¬†undesirable¬†weather get to you then you have larger issues. The world hasn’t stopped just because you can’t go outside and play catch.
Elderly: Old people are a no-brainer. If you have any ounce of morals you’ll treat them with the respect they generally deserve. Civilization would go on without geezers but it’s just nice to have them around.
Lost Luggage: To not be upset about things outside of your control should be common sense, not an indication of a great person. Grow up and deal with the real world cause it’s gunna keep on coming; or just don’t check your luggage.
Tangled Christmas Lights: Why are you celebrating Christmas to begin with? Sounds like you’re a Christmas Lemming.

I’ve learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life.
This is what people who don’t make as much money as they’d like to tell themselves to be happy. I’m not saying that money is everything. What I am saying is that money is generally the gateway to a more enjoyable life. Sure, it can’t buy everything but it comes pretty damn close. I’m willing to bet that people who make a modest $80k annually believe to have a more¬†fulfilled¬†life on average than those who make $35k.

I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
No shit. It’s called breathing. Every time you breathe in and out it’s a chance to get off your ass and do something with your life. If you believe that you’re only going to get one more chance to make something of yourself then we’d be better off if you’d stop using up our air – you’re never going to amount to anything with only two chances.

I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands.You need to be able to throw something back sometimes.
Throw back what? Oh! You must have just had the revelation that you should actually engage in life rather than sit back and watch the word go by. There are two¬†fundamental¬†types of people in life: people who expect things to happen for them and people who make things happen for them. I’m sure my Aunt Marge would agree, this is why Republicans will never die out – they understand this.

I’ve learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you but, if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.
Right, this is a little like saying that if you can’t beat em you should join em. Failure is for the weak and the failure to pursue what makes you happy is still failure. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family, friends, etc., but that doesn’t mean that focusing on them is what’s going to make me happiest in life. It’s time to let your balls drop and live for yourself while at the same time taking care of those you love.

I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.
There’s no such thing as a right or wrong life decision. This is just what people without a backbone tell themselves so they have something to feel good about and advert suicide.

I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn.
If you had to learn this then we can presume that you didn’t always believe it. Yes, we all go through this from age 14-18 but if you’re still realizing this in adult life then you have serious ego issues. For someone like me to tell you that you have ego issues it should get your attention. I normally defend a strong ego but this is just stupid.

The real lesson here is you should probably avoid sending me those ridiclious chain letters with life lessons attached on the bottom. They only serve to make insecure people feel better and to waste time when the boss isn’t watching and you’re waiting for 5:00pm to roll around so you can go home. I don’t need either of those.

Tags: Aunt Marge