Walden Ponder

Economic Stimulus Payments Explained

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Sometime this year, we taxpayers may again receive an Economic Stimulus payment.  This is a very exciting new program.  I will explain it using the Q and A format:

Q.  What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A.  It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q.  Where will the government get this money?
A.  From taxpayers.

Q.  So the government is giving me back my own money?
A.  Only a smidgen.

Q.  What is the purpose of this payment?
A.  The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q.¬† But isn’t that stimulating the economy of¬†China?
A.  Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

• If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to¬†China.
• If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
• If you purchase a computer, it will go to¬†India.
• If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to¬†Mexico,¬†Honduras¬†and¬†Guatemala.
• If you buy a car, it will go to¬†Japan.
• If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to¬†Taiwan.
• If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

• spending it at yard sales, or
• going to ball games, or
• spending it on prostitutes, or
• beer or
• tattoos

These are the only American businesses still operating in the US.

I’m going to go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that I meet at a yard sale and we’re going to drink beer all day!

Tags: Politics